Father’s Day to me

Today is two holidays for me: father’s day and the Summer Solstice. Both of them are important for two very different reasons. Yet, I always still feel drained every year following these holidays.

Father’s day hasn’t been a big celebration for me for years. I call my grandpa and my dad every year to say the words. My grandpa is an awesome man, though not much of a phone talker due to his hearing loss. My dad and I have always been distant. We don’t share the same views in politics or religion; both of those things are very important to him. What we do share is a love for a good book and adventure. He is one of the three people who have read The Keeper’s Kinn now before print. I don’t value his input on who to vote, but without him reading my book while I was writing it, well, I would have stopped halfway.

Since our relationship is strained, I find myself wondering sometimes if he is a “dad”. I never really saw him much as one. I think he tried to be there for me as a child, but my memories of him aren’t that nice. Most things I can think of somehow turn nasty when he was around. This makes me hurt inside more. So, now I do the motions of the holiday with a phone call, but I don’t even spend the energy or money for a card.

Yet, today was also the Summer Solstice. It is the longest day of the year and an honoring of the sun making the upper hemisphere warm again! Some things are starting to be harvested from gardens now (farmer’s market opens this Thursday in my town). Most common pagan groups around the world see the sun as a god (male form). They also can sometimes see him as a father to the harvest.

This year the Solstice falling on father’s day made me cry. I felt the tears well up while our church held services dedicated to men and the sun god for everyone. Suddenly, I did have a thought to a father who is there. The sun is above me constantly, a burning mass of fire, that warms me and gives me nourishment.

Today we celebrated the sun’s longest day and the two men in my life who have been there for me. I have never felt such emotion for a holiday before. It was as if this year I finally knew it was time for me to break out. As the day progresses, I felt more of a push than ever to write. I needed to fulfill the dreams for the god and the men who are there for me in their own ways.

Warmth, comfort and someone to critique my work are all standing and waiting for me. Now, this year, is when I will prove to them I can be what they know I am. This father’s day and Solstice, I am dedicated to publishing my work and finding my voice. May the world hear me as my dad, grandpa and the sun watch on proudly.

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